When my radio went silent in my car I thought, ok. This is good. I needed to get alone with my thoughts. I needed to listen and be more sensitive to other energies and feelings and voices instead of drowning them out. When I was at the worst in my depression, I made the decision to stop listening to music for a year because it was too easy to find songs that sang my life and kept me down. It was eliminating it that helped get me out of the darkness, and started hearing truth.
The opposite is happening to me right now. I cut out all writing. I cut out all music. I cut out singing and not a single thought has come to me.
It could be a combination of things, I’m sure. It definitely, probably is. But at this stage, I think the silence is allowing my fears to have a platform. The nothingness is amplifying all of this noise. I have no outlet and it’s all festering and gathering and stirring in my body. It feels too real and too close than when I was journaling every day, or singing along with people who knew my feelings, but could find a sense of hope.
I’m just drowning.
I struggle between knowing what is better in the midst of it all. To allow myself to feel.
To validate my feelings and to be glad for them for whatever they are, or to just distract myself until I find something to take their place in my life.
It’s both too simple and too complicated to just not care. I just don’t know how to do it.
I’m not at peace with either. I don’t understand it at all, but I accept that it is just a part of life.
I’m just in that season. Trying to find a reason for all the related social anxiety and trying to find validation when I’m being held down by the undertow. It’s all related.
It’s all too easy to see why I would have this anxiety, but I haven’t quite learned how to silence all the voices. I haven’t fully put my trust in the truths, because they aren’t as loud as the lies.
I feel like I am just standing in front of a crowd trying to scream, but never making a sound.
I need my voice.
I need my words.
I need restoration and resolution.
Someone once told me that I am disarming.
I don’t feel like it when I am feeling all of this.